


phan oneshots vol. 1

by coffeeandcatwhiskers



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dom Phil Lester, Fluff and Angst, Gay, I'm not sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Office Sex, Sub Dan Howell, oneshots, there will be smut, they break up in one of these whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-07-03 08:41:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15815394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandcatwhiskers/pseuds/coffeeandcatwhiskers
Summary: i write oneshots when i'm bored and don't want to work on a bigger story, so i'll be uploading them here. feel free to leave requests or suggestions in the comments! i'll be checking weekly.much love!





	1. surface

**warnings:** mental illness, mention of death, water?

 

he is under the burning, eye-impairing, nose stinging pool water. a whole eleven feet down.

he doesn’t want to drown or anything. he’s just unhappy on the surface.

eleven feet underwater, there aren’t people watching his every move.

eleven feet underwater, he hears nothing but echoes of the children laughing while they’re running around the pool’s edge.

eleven feet underwater, he is nothing but a ripple of beige with accents of brown and black.

he likes to think for a while when he’s down there.

after a good few minutes, the boy slowly comes back to the poolside. i hand him his towel and he wraps it around his shoulders. the sun is bright, and it shines against his chlorinated brunet hair. his eyes are shut, and his eyelashes seem to cast a light shadow against the bridge of his nose. he is pretty.

 

“phil, have i ever told you the secret to staying at the bottom of a swimming pool?”  
“well, you do it so much that i feel as if i should have taken notice by now.”

“so, what you do is relax all of your muscles, plug your nose if you’d like, and either wear goggles or pray to god you remember not to open your eyes. if for one second you feel that angry, crushing pressure on your chest, ignore it. once you’ve got that down, it’s pretty simple.” i nod, taking his words into consideration. he knows that i have a distaste for being underwater too long, so he doesn’t expect me to go under like he does. however, he knows i like to understand what’s happening in his head when he does these kinds of things.

“can we go home? it’s getting close to dinner time.” he replies with a quiet “yes”, and we leave after changing back into our streetclothes.

 

\---

 

“what did you think about today?”

“what do you mean?”

“under the water. what were you thinking about?”

“i was trying not to think today.” he rubs his eyes a little. when we spend all day swimming and diving and whatnot, he gets really tired. i can’t say i blame him. my muscles get sore and i want nothing more than to just lie down.

“was today a sad day?”

“today was a nothing day. there was no sadness. no happiness. i felt nothing.” i glance at him to inform him that i understand what he means. “they could’ve drained the pool empty and i wouldn’t have been able to tell.”

i think to myself for a few seconds. dan never has empty days. when he does, he’s at his worst. i try and cheer him up, but i suppose we all need down days every once in a while. he leans up against me, the heat from his lightly sunburnt shoulders radiating onto mine. his hair is a little lighter from being out in the sun, and it’s softer than it usually is. he conditions it with caution when we’ve been swimming, and i appreciate the love he shows for his hair.

it just makes me happy that i can run my fingers through it without getting them stuck.

 

“do you want to watch something?”

“i’m not quite sure, phil. i think i just want to stay here right now. just us. quiet. no television, no music, no talking. i just like sitting.”

“wouldn’t something to take your mind off of things be a little better?”

“there’s nothing to take my mind off of in the first place, alright? don’t you get it?”  
“i’m afraid i have to say that i don’t quite understand where you’re coming from.”

“my brain usually creates its own distractions. on empty days, my brain doesn’t really make anything that i’d need a distraction from. that’s why i try not to think. i don’t want to overwork myself. does that make sense?”

“it does. trust me, it does.” he closes his eyes and leans back against me once more. my fingers are intertwined in his naturally curly brunet locks. his top eyelashes and bottom eyelashes mix together a little bit. he is still pretty.

“phil, tell me. what happens when i forget to come back up for air? what if i end up drowning?”

“well, i would hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“yeah, but what would happen in the case that it did?”

“why are you thinking like that, dan?”

“never mind. forget that i asked.”

“is something bothering you?”

“i don’t know. i think i just need to sleep.”

“if you need to sleep, then by all means, you should.” he nods his head, kissing me on the cheek before standing up, grabbing his blanket from where he was sitting, and heading upstairs to his room. the door slams heavier and louder than i expect it to, and i hear a choked up sob before he opens the door back up.

 

“phil, can you lie down with me? i don’t want to be alone right now.”

  
“yeah, of course i can. give me a moment.” i grab my blanket, heading upstairs as well. he holds the door open and i casually sit on his bed like kids at slumber parties do when they’re telling secrets. the lights strewn across his room are on, and when he turns the ceiling light off, they give the room a yellowish-white glow. dan sits back down, facing me.

 

after a few minutes, i decide to ask what i’ve been meaning to ask for a while now.

“are you alright?” he immediately glances up from his twiddling thumbs, shrugging.

“i’m just so scared that one of these days, i’m going to forget what happy feels like. i’m scared that i won’t come back up from being underwater. i really don’t want you to have to deal with the aftermath of that, phil.”

“you know i wouldn’t ever let that happen. i want you to be safe.”

“i know, phil. i’m just scared, okay?”

“i know. i am, too.” he leans back, eventually stretching his legs out so that he’s lying down.

“i think it’s safe to sleep now. my thoughts just got loud and they’re quiet now.” i give him a crooked smile and he grins back.

“well, i’m right here if they get loud again. otherwise, i hope you wake up realizing that the surface might not be as bad as you think. i love you, dan.”

“love you too, phil.” we both lie there, eventually falling asleep. 

 

e n d


	2. by the time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings: self harm, reference to suicide, heartbreak?

_don’t wake up_   
_won’t wake up_   
_can’t wake up, no_   
_don’t wake me up_

i roll over, expecting the raven-haired boy that i love so dearly to still be lying to my left side. he isn’t, but i don’t make anything of it. phil has almost always woken up earlier than me, so it’s no surprise he’s already gotten up and left the room.

_it’s the early morn’_   
_lights flick on_   
_sleepy eyes peek through the blinds_   
_at something wrong_

sluggishly, i turn on the bedroom light, squinting slightly as the brightness hurts my head. there’s a sinking feeling in my stomach, head, and heart as i notice the absence of his car in the driveway. we need groceries. he might have just gone shopping.

_motionless remains the mess_   
_shame_   
_such a beautiful, beautiful_   
_young life_

there are bandage wrappers strewn on the floor, right where he left them after fixing up my arm. i told him i didn’t want him having to deal with my constant, undying distress, but he insisted, staying up with me all night and convincing me that i’d be fine-that we’d be fine. it wasn’t the first time it’d happened, but last night, i really tried. if it wasn’t him leaving, it would’ve been me. my thoughts begin racing as i realize he may have taken what i said a little too literally, as his side of the closet is empty and all his shoes are gone.

_by the time i’m dreaming_   
_and you’ve crept out on me sleeping_   
_i’m busy in the blissful unaware_

there’s a note by the alarm clock and my stomach churns as i glance over it.

my dear daniel,   
i can’t keep doing this. i’m so sorry. my heart breaks every time i look at you. you’re always in pain and i can’t fix it. i just have to sit and hold you and dry your tears. i constantly try making you feel better, but nothing works. you tear yourself up and i feel entirely useless. you didn’t hurt yourself for what had to have been upwards of two years. but last night, oh god. you scared the life out of me. i thought you’d be gone. i couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, dan. i wouldn’t know what to do. maybe when you’re better-happier-it can work out, but for the sake of both of us, i think leaving is my best option. i loved you, i still do, and i always will.   
so long,   
philip

_by the time i’m dreaming_   
_and you’ve crept out on me sleeping_   
_tell me,_   
_how am i supposed to care?_

i slide down against the door, a sob getting caught in my throat. the tears begin pouring from my eyes as i realize that phil has left me. why would he just up and leave if he knows i can’t do this on my own? why would he be that insensitive? my fear and sadness turn quickly into anger and confusion. my face is still hot with tears as my temper rises. the idea that i have to deal with my thoughts alone is terrifying enough. the reality of the situation only makes it scarier. i feel like a little boy who has lost his favourite toy; i must accept the fact that it’s never going to magically come back.

_a trail of clothes_   
_two years old_   
_why’d you have to go and_   
_leave all this stuff behind?_

i try my hardest to ignore all the photo frames hanging on the wall as i hazily make my way into the kitchen. i’m still enraged and a bit shocked at what’s happening, and seeing his lopsided smile will only make things worse. a couple of his spot pillows are still sat on his side of the couch, and his coffee mugs are all still in the cupboard next to mine. i decide to make a cup of hot cocoa, pouring some milk into a one direction mug and sitting it in the microwave. it burns my hands when i grab it out and i nearly spill it, my arms shaking as i sit the hot mug on the counter. i stir in some hot cocoa mix and take a quick sip. it burns my tastebuds, leaving them pained. between the sting of my wrist, the ache in my chest, and the searing pain on my tongue, i can’t tell which hurts more. i wish i could just be numb. then, maybe his absence in the unusually cold house wouldn’t hurt as much.

_wasn’t i allowed_   
_three strikes and out?_   
_no_   
_but you said i could, said i could_   
_just one night_

i had informed phil that i’d quit cutting. i think i knew better than him how unhealthy it was, but it felt good in the moment. i realized when he started getting sick of taking care of my wounds that it was stupid and unnecessary. i could have stopped easily but i felt as if i was addicted. i suppose it’s too late now to stop; if i cut too deep or in the wrong way, i wouldn’t have to feel like this ever again. i decide against it, knowing that the people who still love me (and probably even phil himself) would be upset. last night was the first time in a long while that i had self harmed. i didn’t expect such a negative reaction. i didn’t even do it for phil’s reaction in the first place; i did it because it made other feelings weaker, almost as if it distracted me.

_by the time i’m dreaming_   
_and you’ve crept out on me sleeping_   
_i’m busy in the blissful unaware_

i wish that i had never woken back up, or at least that i was still asleep. as a matter of fact, my dream encompassed how it would be if phil and i had gotten married. we adopted a dog and a child. the two of us continued making our videos, including the two at times. it was peaceful and we couldn’t have loved each other more. it was so pleasant and full of love, and the situation i had woken up to couldn’t have been further from what i had dreamt.

_by the time i’m dreaming_   
_and you’ve crept out on me sleeping_   
_tell me,_   
_how am i supposed to care?_

i dump the rest of the hot chocolate down the sink drain, feeling pinpricks at the corners of my eyes. why am i getting sad over him if all he left was a stupid note? he couldn’t have called or texted to make sure i was alright. if he isn’t bothered, why should i bother? i grab a tissue, wiping my eyes and blowing my nose. my conflicting thoughts aren’t making this any easier, but they refuse to quiet down.

_if i had let you go, let you go_   
_would this be different?_   
_now i’ll never know, never know_   
_i didn’t get the chance, damn you_

phil told me once that he was hurting, too; my actions weren’t only causing me pain. i did everything i could to make him happier, despite the fact that my depression was debilitating as all hell. there would be days where i wouldn’t even leave bed or eat, and it was the same for phil. sometimes, we’d just lie in bed together, facing each other, asking occasionally if one would hold the other. often times, we discussed that both of us being sad wasn’t healthy for either of us. i even told him one time that if being with someone else would be better for him, he could walk out and i would understand. i suppose i just relied on him far too much and he didn’t want to leave me alone during that time, so when we were both finally happy and i slipped up, he decided it was as good a time as any. he walked out with a steady mind and left me to pick up the pieces. it probably wouldn’t have been as bad if he had just left when i told him he could, but i guess i’ll never find out.

_by the time i’m dreaming_   
_and you’ve crept out on me sleeping_   
_i’m busy in the blissful unaware_   
_by the time i’m dreaming_   
_and you’ve crept out on me sleeping_   
_tell me,_   
_how am i supposed to care?_

i lie back in bed, this time on his side. he’s lied here so many times, the bed conforms to his body shape. it’s comfier over here, and i almost wish it was him lying here and me on the right side. i cover up with his blanket, which is still barely warm. it smells like him and i try to inhale as much of his aroma as i can with one inward breath. it’s a mix of lynx body wash and vanilla, which is really the best explanation i can give for both his scent and his personality. my dozing off is interrupted by the sound of a car door slamming outside my window. i pretend to be asleep as the front door creaks open and closes almost silently. footsteps echo through the hallway and i hear a low, raspy, “daniel?”. it’s phil, without a doubt. “you’re here, right?” i close my eyes as he peeks in the room, sweeping his jet black fringe away from his gorgeous blue eyes and adjusting his glasses. “hmm?”

“are you alright, bear?” he only calls me that when i’m upset.  
“no.”  
“i’m sorry for leaving. you’re probably hating me right now. i don’t blame you, dan.”  
“i’m sorry for breaking my promise. you only left because i was mean to myself and in doing that, i guess i was mean to you, too.”  
“don’t apologize. it was my fault for walking out-”  
“quit blaming yourself. that’s what you always tell me,” he giggles sadly.  
“can i lie with you, bear?” i nod, trying not to break down. phil climbs into bed beside me, kicking his shoes off and sitting them at the corner of the bed. i feel an icy arm wrap around my waist, and for the first time today, i feel better. i turn to look at him, his gaze focused directly on my face. his eyes move to my arms, which i removed the bandages from. “just promise me you’ll stop doing that to yourself or that you’ll at least get help for it. i don’t know how i’d react if i didn’t have you anymore,” he stops speaking, his eyes get watery, and i decide to pick up where he left off. my arms trail down to his waist, and my mocha eyes meet his baby blues. i want so badly for him to run his pale, slender fingers through my brunet curls-for him to pull me closer and remind me that i’ll be alright soon-but i simply reply with the first thing that comes to mind.  
“promise me you won’t leave like that again, and you’ve got a deal. you know i can’t do this on my own, lester.”  
“deal.” he pecks me on the forehead and we both fall asleep after a while in each other’s arms. i am warm and calm again, and having him here makes it easier to sleep soundly.

_don’t wake up_   
_won’t wake up_   
_can’t wake up, no_   
_don’t wake me up_

e n d


	3. animal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's dan's first time and phil decides to tease him. 
> 
> phil doesn't realize all the ways in which this could completely backfire.
> 
> this is smut, so if you're not into that, don't read it???

**_here we go again, i kinda wanna be more than friends_ **

**_so take it easy on me_ **

**_i'm afraid you're never satisfied_ **

 

phil pushes me back on the couch, placing my head on the armrest. his hands are gentle-along with everything else-and i enjoy that about him, but everything about this makes me unnecessarily nervous. he glances at me, asking if i’m sure i want to do this. i’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, to be honest. we’ve been together for almost four months now and he’s always sort of hinted that he wants this, but i’ve always found one way or another to get out of it.

“if i’m being too rough, tell me.”

“i just want you to have fun, phil.”

“if you’re uncomfortable, i’ll be uncomfortable too.” i smile, glad that he’s understanding and that i won’t ruin anything for him. he runs to his room quickly, coming back with a condom. neither of us plan on doing anything we’d need it for, but he grabbed it just in case. “i still can’t believe this is your first time, dan. i would’ve thought, y’know…”

“yeah, well, i’m awkward and i get too scared about stuff like this.”

“understandable.” we both chuckle and he begins to unbutton his shirt. i can already feel my heartbeat speeding up and i wouldn’t be surprised if he could hear it. i sit up and pull my tee over my head, noticing that his eyes have averted from his last button to my chest and then to my pants. i can tell exactly what he’s looking at, as my jeans feel tighter and at this point, it’s inevitable. everything feels warm and i’m not sure how to feel about it. he seems sure of what he’s doing, though, so i decide to just sit back and let him do what he wants.

at first, he straddles my hips, leaning down to kiss me. once our lips meet, i ease up a little bit. it’s calm and my lips just sort of move with his. i’m not entirely sure why i didn’t want to do this with him before, and i find myself regretting that i’ve been so stubborn about sex. regardless, it’s happening now and i think it’s a subject that’s just stood in between phil and i getting closer.

occasionally, he grinds his hips against mine, just to get a rise out of me. i grunt a little bit in response, beginning to get impatient.

 

**_here we go again, we're sick like animals_ **

**_we play pretend_ **

**_you're just a cannibal and i'm afraid i won't get out alive_ **

**_no, i won't sleep tonight_ **

 

“oh, for god’s sake.”

“what, dan?” he knows exactly what i want and he knows that i know.

“i…mmph…” he starts palming my dick through my jeans. “fuck, lester. suck me off already.”

“yikes. you should try asking politely.” he removes his hand and stares me down.

“please, phil. i really, _really_ want this.”

“what do you want?”

“i want you to put my cock in your mouth and suck it. i don’t understand how i’m not being verbal enough about this.” he nods, unbuttoning and unzipping my jeans before pulling them down and off but leaving my boxers on. i try pulling them down but he pins my hands up above my head.

“christ, dan. you really are impatient.”

“and you’re a cocktease.” phil snickers, finally removing my boxers. “well?”

“it’s longer than i expected.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he laughs.

“nothing, nothing. i’m just wondering how all of this is going into my mouth.”

“you’re just stalling!”

“fine, fine.” he opens his mouth, taking the tip in and licking over the small slit. this alone has me in an odd fit of sounds. he eventually lowers his head more until i’m at the back of his throat, swirling his tongue around as much as he can with the space remaining in his mouth. once he knows how much he can take in, he repeats the motion. up and down, up and down. it feels amazing, and if it hadn’t rendered me speechless and stammering, i’d tell him that.

“ph-phil, i’m gonna...oh god,” i’m still in his mouth, so he can’t talk. instead, he gives me an “mhm?” and the vibrations coming from the back of his throat are enough to send me over the edge. every ounce of my body feels like it’s being relieved of a million pounds of pressure. i feel my cock twitch and i cum in his mouth, letting out a low groan. he swallows, wiping his mouth off and kissing me afterward. it tastes salty and his lips are wet but i kiss him back anyway because holy shit, that was one of the best feelings i’ve ever had. “fuck, that was _amazing_.” he grins, obviously satisfied with his work. somehow, i still feel something missing. i start to think and my mind goes exactly where i don’t want it to go.

 

**_oh, oh, i want some more_ **

**_oh, oh, what are you waitin' for?_ **

**_take a bite of my heart tonight_ **

 

“phil, you’ve got protection, right?”

“yeah, i brought a condom down from my room. why?” he raises an eyebrow.

“i...uh… hmm, how do i say this?”

“do you want me to fuck you senseless?” his sudden outburst of profanity catches me off guard, but it just makes me want him more. it seems like he's an entirely different person when he's turned on.

“if you would like to, then, yes. i figured that you should get some enjoyment out of this.” faster than i imagined, he pulls his jeans and boxers down, rolling the condom on quickly and carefully. he pulls a bottle of lube out of the drawer in the stand next to the couch, putting a small amount on his fingertips.

“remember, if you get uncomfortable, please tell me. this is going to hurt at first, but i’m just getting you prepped.”

“oh. okay.” i gulp, a little nervous. he rubs the lube into his fingers, getting them oiled up so that they’ll go in easier.

 

**_oh, oh, i want some more_ **

**_oh, oh, what are you waitin' for? what are you waitin' for?_ **

**_say goodbye to my heart tonight_ **

 

when i least expect it, phil shoves a finger in, curling it once it’s inside. he straightens it out, pushing it in and out until i tell him i’m comfortable with it. he pulls out and adds a second finger, pushing back in. i can feel the stretching and i’d be lying if i said it didn’t hurt a little bit. after a while, though, this gets comfortable too. he adds a bit more lube to his three fingers before going back in, and this is when it really starts to hurt.

“phil, it hurts.”

“do you want me to stop? i’m only going to do what you’re alright with.”

“no, not at all.”

“here’s a pillow, if you want to bite down. it makes it a little easier to bear, i think.” i thank him, taking the pillow and biting down before giving him a thumbs-up. he re-inserts his index, middle, and ring fingers, curling them and moving them around until he decides it’s safe. “do you want me to try a fourth one or do you think you’ll be fine?”

“if you think it would help to add another, please do. whatever is going to make it easier for both of us is what i want, phil.” he smiles softly, understanding my point of view.

“you might want to bite back down then.” i heed his advice, bracing myself. he finally goes back in and i swear i feel tears welling up in my eyes. he repeats his previous actions until he feels safe enough to replace them. “are you alright?” i nod and he furrows his brows. “dan, are you sure you’re fine? i’m not going to do this if you’re in pain.” to tell the truth, my ass hurts and it would probably be wise to wait, but i just want him inside me.

“please, phil. i’m fine. now quit asking questions and fuck me.”

“okay. as long as you’re fine…”

 

**_here we are again, i feel the chemicals kickin' in_ **

**_it's gettin' heavier_ **

**_i wanna run and hide, i wanna run and hide_ **

 

he lines himself up with my entrance and at this point, i’m practically begging him. at first, he’s slow. he makes repetitions of in and out until we’re both used to the rhythm. after this, he picks up the pace, going in a little farther. i can feel him hitting a spot where, every time it’s hit, i can feel the same welling feeling in the bottom of my stomach begin to rise. i begin to get light-headed, the feelings of arousal and lust clouding my brain. phil twines his fingers through my curly hair, pulling gently (and eventually roughly) as he continues his thrusts. both of us are grunting frequently, to the point where our sounds are almost animalistic. i can tell that if i don’t cum soon, he’s going to. his speed starts to pick up and then drop, his actions getting sloppy. my knees feel weak and i feel like any second, i’m going to explode.

“phil, i’m close. is there a towel or something so i can-” before i can finish, he stops and pulls out. “what are you doing?”

“you said you wanted me to get enjoyment out of it and i did. i came and now i’m tired.” he ties off his condom, smirking and carrying it to the trash, throwing it away.

“phil, you can’t do that! i was so close!”

“sorry to hear it, daniel.” he goes upstairs to the washroom, still completely naked. “you can join me for a shower if you’d like.” _that asshole!_

 

**_i do it every time_ **

**_you're killin' me now_ , ** **_and i won't be denied by you_ **

**_the animal inside of you_ **

 

i get up from my spot on the couch, storming upstairs after him. he’s sitting on the side of the tub, waiting for the shower water to get warm. i look him dead in the eye and i know he can tell i’m pissed off. that’s why he’s got that look on his face-his eyes say “fuck, i’m in trouble” and his grin says “fuck, i have to suck his dick now.”

“back for more, dan?”

“yes. this time, i’m the one ordering you around.” his eyes light up and he appears ready for whatever i’m going to do to him. i know phil likes being dominant, but i’m sure that part of him gets tired and it’d be nice for someone else to take charge. “now, we’re going to the shower. you’re going to get on your knees, you’re going to open your pretty mouth, and you’re going to sit there while i touch myself. understood?” he looks disappointed, and i’m sure it’s because he doesn’t get to be the one giving me pleasure. he nods anyway. “when i finish, you’re going to swallow. most importantly, you don’t get to make a single noise. got it?”

“yes.”

“good. now go in and kneel. i’ll be in there in a couple seconds.” he follows my orders, obediently waiting in the shower for me. i step in, closing the door after. i take my dick in my hand, gripping it and jacking myself off. phil looks like he wants to take it in his own hand and make me cum, but he doesn’t, knowing i’ll get pissed off if he does. instead, he just sits quietly.

“you wouldn’t have to sit through this if you weren’t so impatient. and on my first time? really? oh well, now you know what it’s like.” i continue my motions, speeding up just so that the water doesn’t get cold before we can actually get clean. eventually, my hips start bucking forward in reaction and phil can tell what’s coming up. he places himself under me, opening up his mouth. with one last groan, i let go and he takes it upon himself to take me in so that he can catch every last drop. i grab his hair and pull his head closer until i stop, feeling him swallow.

“god, that was torturous.”

“now you know better than to tease, phil.” i laugh a little, telling him he can stand up. we both shower, drying off and brushing our teeth before lying down.

 

**_oh, oh, i want some more_ **

**_oh, oh what are you waitin' for?_ **

**_take a bite of my heart tonight_ **

**_oh, oh, i want some more_ **

**_oh, oh, what are you waitin' for? what are you waitin' for?_ **

**_say goodbye to my heart tonight_ **

 

“you know what, phil?” i turn over to him, shifting in his bed.

“what, dan?” he turns his head to face me.

“i should let you fuck me more often.” 

"you really should."

 

**_e n d_ **


	4. take me to church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dan and phil know they're going to hell and in all honesty, they're not too bothered by it.  
> this is smut, sooooo, if you don't like smut, don't read it!  
> warnings: alcohol

he doesn’t care who’s watching us or where we’re at. he doesn’t mind it if the room is full of people or if it’s completely empty and we’re the only ones inside. he doesn’t care if the people in the room are close friends or complete strangers. phil’s got a way of making things interesting and i love that about him.

currently, we’re at a party and everyone is either contact high or wasted. he comes up with a glass of what appears to be wine and asks me if i “wanna go make out in a corner?” and i happily oblige. he sits his glass down along with his jacket and leads me back into the farthest corner of the room, where he leans himself into the wall and lets me take over. he pulls me in and i go from there, starting with gentle kisses and following those up with longer, more intense ones. his hands work their way up to my neck and then to my hair, intertwining with my brunet curls. i can’t help but imagine what it’d feel like if his grip was tighter. “say, daniel. do you wanna go home? this party blows.”

“i would love that.” he grabs my hand after telling everyone we’re heading out and pulls me out of our friend’s apartment, almost urgent to get back home. i know exactly what he’s thinking of doing and i can feel a very familiar sense of excitement welling up in my stomach. we get down to the sidewalk and he jumps in the passenger’s seat. i drive, knowing he’s had a little too much wine and he’s a little too lust-driven currently to operate a vehicle.

“you know what, dan?”

“what, phil?”

“this has to be the longest car ride ever. i’m impatient.” i make a right turn at the first light.

“we’re almost home. just another left, a right, and a left.”

“well, go left right and then left faster.”

“i know exactly what you’re doing, phil. i’m not driving faster than necessary.”

“ugh, fine.” he slumps down in his seat, covering his crotch with his jacket. _maybe i’ll go a few kilometres above the speed limit._ _if all goes the way i hope it does, i’m going to end up cuffed to something by the end of this anyway._

we arrive at our apartment building and i swear, i’ve never seen him run this quickly. i turn the car off, hopping out and locking it before chasing after him. after taking the elevator, he decides to walk down the hall to our flat. i’m winded from running and i can only assume that he is, too. i toss him the keys, waiting for the door to open. we enter and he slams the door.

“upstairs. now.” i grin and sprint up the stairs to our room, wondering exactly what he’s planning on. he takes a while to come up, so i assume he’s got something new he wants to try out.

i take in the familiar scent of “fireside treats”. _wax?_ he sits the candle on the nightstand and i breathe a sigh of relief. usually, i’m into whatever he has planned, but if he was going to use the candle wax on my body, i would vomit.

“so, since i’m wine-hammered, i don’t want to do anything and then end up stabbing one of us in the eye. how about we just fuck in the softest, purest, most wholesome way?”

“well, that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?” he stands quietly for a few seconds before responding.

“yeah, you’re right. get on your knees.” i obey. he pulls his jeans and boxers down, holding my chin up with one hand and his dick in the other. “what you’re going to do now is-

“phil, i know how to suck you off. i’m not sure if you’re aware, but this isn’t the first time i’ve had your cock in my mouth.” i know how much he hates being interrupted. it’s to the point where he’ll punish me but honestly, he’s drunk and to put it lightly, phil’s a slut when he’s drunk, so i’m willing to risk that.

“then you know that you’re only supposed to speak when i ask you a question.” there’s a burning look in his eyes that i’m not quite used to and that’s how i know i’m getting to him. “as i was saying, what you’re going to do now is open your mouth, tilt your head back ever so slightly, and brace yourself.” before i can respond, he grabs my hair, pulling my head down onto his dick. having done this before, i know what to do. i bob my head up and down, licking the vein on the underside. this causes him to tremble and i laugh a little bit. he bucks his hips upward in response to the vibrations. i can tell that i’m doing this correctly, so i continue, varying in speed to see just what he wants. whenever i strike a sweet spot, his grip on my hair tightens. eventually, his breathing hitches and i know what’s about to happen. “dan, i-i, oh fuck.” i let him cum in my mouth and wait for him to tell me what to do. “you can swallow.” _and i do so willingly._ it’s warm and salty and it makes me feel _dirty._ like i’m doing something wrong.

“phil,” i stare up at him from my position on the floor. “tell me. do you think we’re going to hell?”

“oh, i wouldn’t doubt it.” i laugh in agreement and he climbs back into bed. there’s no way he didn’t notice how hard my dick is.

“can we at least get this taken care of?” i point, indicating that sleeping with a boner would be awkward as hell, not to mention what would happen if what we had just done carried over into my dreams. he nods and has me sit up against the headboard, pulling down my jeans with haste. i know he’s a tease, so this is to be expected. he starts to palm my dick through the fabric and i groan, both from impatience and in reaction. “god damn it, phil. just suck my dick already. i’m getting impatient.”

“fine, i suppose.” i watch his eyes as he moves down to my crotch, grabbing at the elastic of my boxers and pulling them off. there’s a small wet spot on them from precum and phil gives me a glance of curiosity. “is that from me, howell?” my breathing gets heavy and i nod. he leans in and, starting at the base of my dick, begins licking upward. after licking off all the precum, he opens his mouth and lowers his head. whenever he pulls back, he makes it a point to do exactly what i do to him. he’s got sweat on his forehead and his hair is disheveled and he makes little grunting noises while he’s sucking me off and every bit of it is just as hot as it is wrong. i start to feel my cock twitch and, gripping his hair in my hands, i hold his head down to make sure he swallows every last drop.

“god, lester. you’re fucking hot.”

“no, you’re fucking hot.”

“i’m fucking you.”

“get in the shower.”

 

**_e n d_ **

 


	5. one of the drunks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which phil tries to use alcohol to treat his chronic mental illness and dan attempts to teach phil not to drink in excess.  
> warnings: alcohol (perhaps substance abuse?), anxiety, medication

he always tells me i need to relax despite my unrelenting anxiety, so i figure i may as well try something new to take the edge off. medication doesn’t really help anymore. mom always has a glass of wine with her dinner and she says it helps take a little bit of weight off her shoulders for the time being. dan left a carton of orange juice and some vodka in the fridge along with a little note.

 

_drink responsibly!_

_there’s ice packs in the freezer and ibuprofen in the bathroom cabinet. have some water before bed and when you wake up. i’m at tesco, so i’ll be home in a couple hours. instructions are on the back._

_:Dan_

 

i smile a little at his signature, flipping over the note. _simple enough, right?_ all i have to do is pour out some vodka and top it with orange juice, stir it (dan prefers shaking it), and pour it on ice. after following these instructions and dispensing the drink into a one direction mug, i nearly cringe. i expected orange juice and all i got was a borderline hand sanitizer-like taste mixed with a little bit of citric acid. it stings and it’s unpleasant and for some reason, i want to hate it. _maybe i should try shaking it_ . i pour the remainder of the beverage into a shaker, adding in more orange juice and retrying. the citrus flavour is a lot stronger and it overpowers the sterile hospital room taste of the vodka. _enjoyable._ i take another sip and allow the flavour to settle in. maybe i can get used to it, but it still burns as it goes down my throat.

 

i take the drink and sit on the couch, placing it on the table beside me. my phone buzzes in my pocket and i pull it out. dan’s texting me.

 

**so, how do you like it?**

**not very much.**

**it burns.**

**the orange tastes nice though**

**the point is that it’s supposed to**

**burn. all alcohol burns.**

**i know, i just don’t like that it does.**

**heck.**

**anyway, i’ll be home in about 45 minutes.**

**we can make dinner and watch some movies**

**and i can tell you how cute you are**

**that’s gay, daniel**

**you’re gay, philip.**

**alright, i’m heading out. love you!!**

**love you too.**

 

i smile and sit my phone back down. i figure that i shouldn’t let it go to waste, so i chug the rest of the mug’s contents. i’m used to the sting by now, so i figure i’ll try another cup, just to see how it goes.

 

soon enough, i’ve had three mugs’ worth of what i would essentially refer to as orange hand sanitizer. my face is warm and there’s an airy feeling in my head and i want to sleep. the doorknob jiggles and dan walks in with grocery bags on his arms. “phil?”

 

“i’m on the couch, dan.”

“how much did you drink?”

“i filled a coffee cup up three times and drank all of that, so.”

“christ on a bike, phil. that’s quite a bit.”

“i feel good, though. everything’s warm.”

“it can do that, yeah.” he gives me a concerned look and i feel as if i’ve done something wrong. “here, let’s get you into bed.”

“i don’t wanna move.”

“you need to.”

“fine.” i stand up, immediately feeling dizzy.

“here, phil.” dan wraps his arm around my waist and leads me upstairs.

“what time is it?” he looks at the clock on the bedside table and replies, “six thirty sharp.” i groan. we were supposed to make dinner and i was really looking forward to just spending an evening with him.

“if you want, i can let you rest and wake you up when the food is done.”

“you should do that.” he looks like a worried mother and it makes me feel bad. i have no clue why he’s so bothered by this.

“i love you, phil.” he tucks me in and kisses me on the forehead and the second he leaves the room, i black out.

 

\---

 

i wake up and the room is entirely dark. i’m sweaty. my head hurts.

 

“dan?” he’s right next to me, typing away on his computer.

“hmm?”

“what time is it?”

“it’s three in the morning, phil.”

“did you wake me up for dinner?”

“you didn’t want to wake up. i let you sleep.”

“oh. could you get me some tylenol? i have a piercing headache.” he nods, ruffling my hair and rolling out of bed, heading downstairs. he comes back a few minutes later with a bottle of water, a couple of capsules, and a plate with mac and cheese on it. “thank you.” i take the tylenol, rinsing them down with a sip of water. he hands me the plate and in a minute, the pasta is all gone. i want more sleep.

“you should rest more.”

“you’re probably right.”

“i love you.”

“i love you, too. we should probably call your doctor and get your dosage raised.”

“we should do that.”

“okay. goodnight.” he pulls me closer, turning off his computer. before i fall asleep, he murmurs to himself. _“welcome to the club.”_

 

**_e n d_ **

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was just some short sad fluff to counteract the smut. it was probably awful but hey, writer's block is worse.  
> much love!


	6. road trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "do you wanna go on a road trip? if you drive, i'll bring the trail mix."
> 
> in which it’s summer, the air conditioner isn’t working, and neither dan nor phil wants to be home. they decide to take a drive, losing the map and forgetting phone chargers. the drive doesn't end up lasting all that long, but a lot goes down. based on road trip by diet cig.

“i’m tired of sleeping naked. it’s comfortable, but i love pyjamas.” phil complains, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead.

“agreed.” his flatmate groans. dan’s hair is beginning to grow even curlier from the sheer humidity in the flat.

“did you talk to the guy at the utility office?”   
“yeah. i was informed that they’re already taking care of a lot of repairs and probably won’t be able to get here for another week.”

“a week? christ on a bike, daniel. can’t we get a fan or something?”   
“they’re sold out.”   
“everywhere?” 

“everywhere within a reasonable driving distance, yeah.” both boys sigh, upset and tired and a little too sweaty for comfort. “say, phil?”

“yeah?”

“do you wanna go on a road trip? anything beats being here, to be quite honest.”

“a road trip. hmm.”

“we can pack a couple bags, stock up on snacks, get a map, find some places to go to, take pictures, and come back when our ac is fixed. how about it?”

“that sounds pleasant. when do we leave?” the two rush to get things around, tossing enough short sleeved clothing for a week into duffle bags. phil packs up all the shower necessities, dan grabs all the nonperishable snacks, and the boys meet in the living room.

 

“dan, can you drive?”

“you know i’m awful at driving.”

“yeah, this is true. you can hold the map.”

“deal. let’s hit up a petrol station and fill up, grab some water bottles, and ask for physically printed directions.” they exit the flat, slamming the door out of excitement and running down the hall to the elevator. even the interior of the lift is arid and icky. 

 

\---

 

they’ve driven about an hour and a half before the car’s tank is half empty.

“i’m excited, phil!” the younger boy exclaims through his window. phil is filling the car up and dan’s sitting with a few snacks, a map of the country, and some “quality hydration”, as the generic bottles read.

“as am i. this should be fun, and if it isn’t, at least it’s less miserable than home. plus, the car has a working heating and cooling system. we’ve hit a jackpot, haven’t we?”

“indeed.” once the tank is filled, they pull away and continue their four-wheeled trek. 

 

it’s a few minutes before either of them speak again. 

 

“my phone’s at 25%. would you mind plugging it in?”

“sure, where’s the charger?” 

 

phil’s gone quiet.

 

“don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the charger.”

“i’d be lying.”   
“good lord, phil. where’s the next convenience store?”

“uh… you’ve got the map.” 

“alright, let me just check the bag.” dan begins digging, alarmed when he cannot find exactly what he’s looking for. “hmm. perhaps it’s in my pocket.” 

“you’re wearing pocketless shorts.”   
“oh god.”

“backseat, maybe? we should pull over and check.” the car makes a screeching halt and finds a place at the side of the grey, scorching road. bath shouldn’t ever be this hot, but it is and they must deal with it. 

 

a few clammy minutes and a lot of searching later, they sit empty-handed in the backseat of the little black car. dan has spent a moment or two swearing under his breath. swearing at the weather, at the lack of charger cords, at the loss of their only point of direction, and at the fact that the previously purchased water bottles are both empty at this point. phil grabs a semi-tan hand with his pale one, trying to calm his friend down. the cursing continues. 

 

“you’ve still got battery on your cell, yeah?”

“mhm. about 60%. the heat isn’t really helping it, either. blasted iphones.”

“well, how about you turn on low power mode and we turn around or try navigating ourselves to another station or shop? i’m sure the people there would help.”

“i suppose. google says there’s a sainsbury’s on monmouth, if you know how to get there from here.” 

“i can manage. just help me by watching the road signs and letting me know when you see one.” the car doors slam shut and they’re off again, windows up and cold air on full blast. after a few turns, they’ve found monmouth street and start to look around for their destination. 

 

\---

 

“...as you can tell, we’ve gotten ourselves into a bit of a predicament here, sir.” 

“oh dear, that doesn’t sound all too fun.” the kind old shopkeeper stares at the tall, slightly sunburnt men who’ve just stormed in searching for cords, water, and assistance.

“the air conditioner at our flat back in london is b-”

“you’re here from london?”

“we thought a road trip would be a better idea than staying in our saharafied apartment. obviously we weren’t as well-prepared as we thought.” he nods, searching through the drawers under the counter for any paper maps. 

“well, chargers are toward the back, near the crisps and beverages, and as for your way home, here’s this.” dan clutches the paper tightly. 

“how much for this?”

“no charge. nothing i couldn’t tell you myself if i knew the area.” 

“thank you, sir.” he smiles and rings up phil’s items before the two head back out to the car. 

“do you want to keep driving or should we go back home?”

“can we take a break?” phil stretches his arms in front of his chest. “i’m exhausted and i kind of need a nap.” 

“let me go in and ask if we can stay parked here. wouldn’t want to get towed, y’know?”

“haha, yeah. i’ll lean the back seats back so we can lie down. okay?”

“mhm.” daniel runs into the shop and returns, giving phil a thumbs-up to signal that  _ yes, loitering on the basis of sleep is legal.  _

 

“lock the car doors and leave the ac on, please. i don’t want to bake like a potato in this heat.”

“sure thing.” dan does as he’s told, climbing in the back once he’s done. he’s situated himself in the left seat with a towel to rest his head, facing phil.

“well, this has been a disaster.”   
“it’s been a fun disaster, at least.” phil nods in agreement, staring over at dan.

“this is a whole lot better than home, especially in this heat. thank you.”

“you drove us.”

“well, yeah. but you recommended it. we’d be sweating our asses off if we stayed inside all day.”

“true.” 

 

now they’re just glaring at each other in the cooled backseat, and phil doesn’t know whether or not he should move in for the simple fact that  _ this is his best friend we’re talking about _ , but before he gets the chance dan’s lips are already on his. phil’s taken aback, and naturally, he pulls away before things go too far. to save the friendship, if nothing else.

 

“god, i’m sorry. that was stupid. i’m sorry.” 

“hmm?” phil hasn’t quite processed what’s happened. he’s stuck in between calm and anxious. a small manic wave of  _ what the hell?  _ mixed with  _ good lord _ . 

“i said that was stupid. what i did. god. you don’t even feel that way. why the hell? what the hell? i’m dumb. i’m sorry.”

“what are you sorry for? i didn’t particularly dislike it.”

“what?”

“i said i didn’t particularly dislike it. i just don’t want anything ruined.”   
“oh.” there’s enough tension in the silent air to give either of them a nosebleed and dan wishes he could curl up into a ball and disappear completely from where he is.

“you can do it again if you’d like. it doesn’t have to mean anything, y’know? we’re just a couple of pals in the back of a car in the middle of the summer, trying something out. if this ends up not working well, we’ll get home and just forget this happened, right?” 

“right.” 

 

so dan initiates and phil quickly follows. both are sitting up now, the younger leaning back against the car door behind him and the older leaning slightly over him, lips still pressed close together. while they’ve agreed that it’s not going to mean anything, they’d mutually love for this to continue as long and frequently as it possibly can. before it can get too intimate, daniel reminds philip, whose hands have found their way up into his hair, that they’re in a sainsbury’s parking lot in broad daylight and there’s no point in staying out of the flat any later than they already have. it’d be more expensive than just going to a department store or shopping centre around these parts and finding some fans for home. 

 

phil’s back in the driver’s seat. dan’s on the passenger’s side. they take off, headed to tr hayes and then home.

 

\---

 

it’s around 9pm by the time they get home. the boys plug in the six fans they purchased all over the flat, quietly heading to their respective rooms in a failed attempt to rid their minds of the fact that they quite literally made out in phil’s car earlier that day. dan has almost fallen asleep when he hears soft footsteps and an equally soft knock on his door. 

 

“yeah, phil?”

“can i come in?”

“sure.” the door creaks open and phil enters, sitting at the edge of the black and white covered bed. “what’s up?”

“can we take another road trip sometime? preferably soon?”

“if you just wanna go on a trip so we can make out, i don’t see why we can’t just do it right here, right now.”

“oh. okay.”

“ _ how about it _ ?” 

“if you can turn the fan up, yes.” dan frantically reaches from his bed to change the strength setting on his fan, turning his head back to lock chocolatey browns with icy blues and only a little bit arrogantly thinking to himself,  _ all of this because i lost the map, huh?  _

 

_ end _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the ABSOLUTE last update until after break! i promise this time. 
> 
> this was one i've had done for a while and forgot to upload.
> 
> enjoy.


	7. grace kelly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "why don’t you like me without making me try?"
> 
> in which dan tries and tries to please phil with everything he does and nothing’s good enough. at least, that’s how phil wants it to seem.
> 
> there's hecka smut in this whoops
> 
> also they work in an office
> 
> (based on grace kelly by MIKA)

“you know,  _ philip _ , you’ve had a real stick up your ass lately.” dan wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead. he’s been working up the courage to accost his full-time boss and part-time boyfriend all morning, but the coffee machine broke, phil blamed him for it, and that was all it took to tip him over the edge.

  
“tell me about it,  _ daniel _ .” the older man hisses at his younger counterpart who’s moved from his original seat on the small sofa in the manager’s office. the younger man now stands in front of him, hands on his hips and eyebrows furrowed.

  
“first of all, you’re always too busy with writing or work or pretty much anything else and i have to tend to my own needs. second of all, whenever i want to do anything with you, your mind’s too fixated on work to realize that everyone else still exists and requires your attention.”

“go on.” 

“and i filed all those reports yesterday exactly how you asked, but you didn’t even pay it any mind.”

“i shouldn’t have had to tell you how to do it.”

“listen here, sir. i’m tired of being treated like a rodent regardless of what setting we’re in.”

“then why don’t you act like it?”

“what do you mean, act like it? i work harder than anybody else in this office and all you give me is what  _ you  _ think i deserve.”   


“well, what do you want?”

“i want a raise. and i want you to see me as something other than your inconvenient, personal, under-the-desk assistant.”

“if it means that much to you, we can go to your flat or something.”

  
“i don’t care what our relationship status is. i’m here every single weekday from nine in the goddamned morning until five in the goddamned evening -sometimes longer- and i do everything my job title holds. sometimes i even pick up shifts for other people and you think it’s fine to pay me overtime with sex?”

  
“fine. i’ll give you an extra dollar an hour starting monday.”   


“good.”

“now that we’ve gotten that squared away, why don’t you get over here and tell me just  _ why _ i should be paying you more?” 

“because you’ll probably find something to complain about.”

  
“everyone else has left for the day. we can do it here and now or you can forget about your raise.”

 

he doesn’t want to risk losing an extra dollar an hour, but for some reason, he doesn’t think phil deserves everything he’s demanding.

 

“and why should i?”

“you’re the one who barged in here asking for a raise. surely you must know that the way to get a raise is to earn it, yeah?” phil runs a thin, pale hand through his coiffed hair and uses the other hand to caress dan’s face. “like i said, you can forget about it,” dan shifts anxiously and attempts to cover his crotch, “but i have the notion that you’re not leaving my office without what you requested, so...”

“fine.” 

“am i going to have to undress myself and fuck your mouth, or are you going to do your job?” by this point, the black-haired manager’s tone has completely changed and dan wants nothing more than for phil to do  _ exactly that _ . he knows better than to talk back, though. 

 

after a couple of minutes, phil’s pants and boxers are off and lying somewhere near his desk. dan’s still sat on the couch when his boss grips his neck loosely with his right hand. dan looks up and meets phil’s eyes with his own. 

“you’re so needy.”

“oh,  _ i’m  _ needy?”

“yeah. we wouldn’t be in this position if you wouldn’t have asked for better pay.”

“we wouldn’t be in this position if we didn’t fuck on our offtime.”

“i suppose so.” the younger is glaring up at the older, who glances down with a light frown. “does this have to be a visit to the dentist’s office? open your mouth already,  _ slut _ .”

“excuse me, sir. there’s no need for tha-hnn,” his speech is cut off by phil’s dick hitting the back of his throat. 

“what was that?” dan moves his head back, letting his tongue glide up the shaft of phil’s cock as he takes it back in. “y’know, i could touch you. let you get something out of this.” this elicits a low “mhm” from dan’s mouth, which vibrates against phil’s length. “is that what you want, dan? do you want to feel my hands on you?” the brunet speeds up his process as if to explain just how much he wants phil to jack him off right then and there. “you’ve gotta be patient. i’m not touching you until i cum.” 

 

a minute or so goes by, and phil’s left stammering. “i’m close, dan. you’re gonna have to swallow all of this if you don’t want it getting all over your suit.” after a moment of groans, hair being pulled, and degrading exclamations, phil hits his high and the man in front of him does as he’s asked. they share a quick kiss, phil tasting himself on dan’s tongue as it deepens. he would never tell the man, but he’s a miracle worker with his mouth. 

 

“so, are you going to take care of this now?” a hand gestures down to his  _ extremely  _ obvious boner. phil shrugs, pulling his underwear and pants back up and fixing his shirt up as necessary. “whoa, wait just a moment. you said you were going to...i thought you were...phil, that’s not fair.”

“you’ve given me better blowjobs before.”

“that’s not a rational excuse. i should get what i want out of this, too.”

“you’ve got your raise starting monday. happy?”

“i’d be happy if you followed through on what you said.”

“you can wait until later. we’ve got dinner reservations anyway.”

“i’m not waiting until after dinner. i’m going to look like a dumbass walking around with my cock pressed against my jeans.”

“that’s just too bad, isn’t it?” dan groans and fixes himself up as his boss gathers his things and heads toward the door. “your place or mine for round two?”

“i thought i had to wait?”

“oh, you do. i just want you to suck my dick again.”

“i suppose we’ll go to your place, then.”

“good.” phil tosses dan his suit jacket. “cover your dick up, howell. don’t want you looking like a  _ dumbass _ , do we?” he shakes his head in response, tying the jacket around his waist so that the sleeves are in the perfect position for concealing his crotch. 

 

“why couldn’t you just give me my raise and send me home?”

“because i didn’t think you deserved it.”

“sounds like bullshit.”

“you earned it, didn’t you?”

“i believe so. i’m just saying, most people wouldn’t have to suck their boss off just for an extra dollar an hour on their paycheck.”

“i guess you’re lucky.”

“whatever.” 

 

_ end _


	8. green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i hope you feel happy. that's all i want."
> 
> in which phil has to make a choice to save both his and dan's friendship and dan's still a little too inexperienced with love to understand why it would end in the first place.
> 
> based on green by cavetown

“you’re an exqiusite boy, phil. i can’t express enough just how much i love you.”

“i have to agree, dan. you’re gorgeous inside and out.” raven hair is swiped from in front of crystal eyes, allowing the oceanic kaleidoscopes to focus in on globes of mocha and hazelnut.

“you know, i could spend all my life here with you. lying in the middle of a random park, eyes trained on the stars, your hand in mine. can i kiss you?” phil’s ever-so-slightly lopsided grin tilts upward a little further, alabastrine teeth gleaming through his thin, rosy lips. he acquiesces, considering that he’s in his twenties and he’s never kissed anybody before. he’s imagined it and expects that it should feel like heaven when it happens. phil can already picture himself and daniel moving this into his house, up the stairs, into one of their beds. he can practically apperceive the feeling his fingers rustling through dan’s soft chocolate curls. of course, the boys wouldn’t take it all the way, but phil wouldn’t mind it going on for a couple of hours. dan’s lips crash onto his and the two of them move in sync with one another and surely enough, it leads exactly to where phil wants it to.

 

nowadays, phil can’t even analyze what dan’s emotions are folding and unfolding into. his curly locks are no longer present as he has elected to start straightening it again. they’ve been living together for more than ten years now and while both of the boys would love to sit and pretend that they still feel the same as they did back in 2009, it’s impossible. the breakfast table is silent in the mornings and the dinner table is quiet in the nights. they’ll both sit on the living room floor with earbuds in and laptops plugged in, editing videos for their channels and occasionally exchanging opinions to make sure that their content isn’t garbage. yeah, the boys will still go out and hold hands. occasionally, they’ll hug and maybe even kiss. 

 

it’s just not special anymore. phil used to see brilliant bursts of green, pink, and purple, and he always felt so many things when he looked at dan. now he sees black and white and feels nothing. to this day, he’s still sure that dan meant it when he said he could’ve stayed there forever, staring at the sidereal landscape above. he’s never been sure of anything dan’s said lately, and that scares him. 

 

they’re sitting across from one another on the couch, sharing one giant fluffy blanket while sipping on morning tea and scrolling through their phones. the thoughts continue to jumble around in phil’s head, but the moment they’re currently in is so peaceful, and he’d really like to savour it. 

“you look like you’re thinking, love. what’s going on?”

“i’m just tired.” dan nods, only slightly skeptical. 

“i slept well last night.”   
“i’m glad. you don’t sleep much at all anymore.”   
“lots of things keep me awake.”

“ah.” they return to their silent dispositions from before, each one having something they want to say on the tip of their tongue.

“phil?”   
“yes, dan?” the boy’s hand runs through his puffy, naturally-curled hair and he sighs, slightly exasperated at everything running through his head. from this standpoint, it would appear that they’re both thinking the same things. phil knows he’s struggling with the silence between himself and dan. dan doesn’t know why there’s silence in the first place.

“do you still love me?”

“of course.” it’s the truth. phil’s loved the boy since he laid his eyes on him. 

“are you still happy with me?” that’s debatable. phil lets the question rest in his ears for a couple of seconds. 

“yeah. i think so.” phil’s a generally happy person. dan being around certainly helps.

“why don’t you talk to me anymore, then? when we’re just sitting or eating dinner, i’d like to hear a little more than the sound of silent chewing.”

“i don’t know. i suppose i don’t ever have anything to say.”

 

dan’s tone grows slightly hostile.

 

“then why not try?”

“what makes you think i’m not trying?”

“i don’t know.”

“why don’t you ever try initiating conversation?”

“because i don’t feel like i should have to.”   
“then why are we doing this anymore?”

“what do you mean?”

“why are we still together? it’s dreadfully quiet whenever we’re together.”   
“i feel so much safer when i’m with you, phil. i enjoy spending time with you.”   
“we can be friends and spend time together.”

“are you suggesting that we break up?”

“that seems like the best option, dan.”

“i mean, i’d rather try and fix what we’ve got instead of throwing it out.”   
“there’s no point in trying anymore. it just isn’t working.”

“fine. if it’s what you want, i can’t get mad. we’ll still be living together, right?” 

“i don’t see why not. are you fine with that?”

“yeah. like you said, we can be friends and spend time together.”

“okay.” dan gets up from the couch, immune to phil’s attempted consolations. “i’m sorry, dan.”

“don’t apologize.  _ there’s no point in trying anymore. _ ” the younger man heads upstairs, mumbling under his breath with his arms crossed. 

 

phil can’t help but notice the slight tinge of sass in dan’s otherwise shaky voice. a few minutes of convincing and a whole lot of contemplation later, he returns to his bedroom with his laptop, locking the door behind him. 

 

in the other room, dan’s practically coming apart at the seams. he’s confused and frustrated and can’t exactly pinpoint why. he understands phil’s decision, but it’s ripping him apart from the inside out. maybe he’ll cry; he does that often and it’s probably the healthiest choice he has right now. perhaps he’ll curl up in bed and not leave unless he needs to shower or go to the restroom. he decides on both, grabbing a few blankets and hopping into bed. dan’s already on the verge of sobbing from his conversation with phil, so it doesn’t take that much effort to actually  **sob** . 

 

phil can hear him through the wall. he wishes he could help, but he doesn’t want to impose and frankly, he doesn’t think he has the right. i mean, dan  _ is _ crying because of him. the least he can do is let him suffer in silence.

 

dan’s hoping phil can’t hear him through the wall. he’s practically convulsing under all his blankets and he’s convinced that he looks like an absolute idiot. he almost wishes that phil would walk in and wrap his arms around his shoulders and comfort him until both of them fall asleep. that’s not going to happen, though. now dan can’t tell whether to be mad at himself or at phil. then again, dan understands that phil feels more alone with him than without him. he can’t blame the boy for doing what he’s done.

 

the raven-haired boy decides to ignore dan’s crying; he’s the reason for it and he doesn’t want to feel any guilt for removing a stressor from his life.  _ he’s going to anyway. _

 

both boys fall asleep, backs pressed against the same wall from two different sides, clutching onto blankets and laptops off to their sides. in the morning, they’re guaranteed to forget all the crying and the conversation they had. phil hopes that dan’s going to forgive him and dan just begs for things to not be awkward. it’s going to be hard at first, but both are going to come around eventually. 

 

after all, each boy's happiness is the other's and both of them know that.

 

end


End file.
